As I sit on my couch, looking outside my window, I contemplate the likeness of the mostly naked trees to the rawness and vulnerability I feel inside. The rain is pouring, the water flowing, as water does, just as my life flows with increasing ease and joy, because I chose it for myself. Pregnancy has been an incredibly powerful gift to me that, so far, has deeply impacted the way I move through the world.
Just as the trees surrounding me are naturally shedding their leaves and standing tall and naked in preparation for the winter, I, too, have chosen to, with great respect, integrity and generosity of spirit, allow my body to intuitively lead the way of the experience. And what a ride it has been!
My body showed me, very early on, pregnancy is an entirely visceral experience that leaves little room for the intellect. This has meant in the past six months I have chosen letting go of the intellect (and fast!) and gracefully (though certainly not always!) accepting what is presently presenting in the moment, in every moment. Essentially, I let go of the illusion of “control”.
The first trimester is honestly a blur. I experienced all the symptoms one might call “normal”. The problem was, I wasn’t expecting to experience those things! I was under the impression that I would have few symptoms, not realizing the havoc and toll the first few months have on the body. Literally, everything changed — from the inside-out, and the only thing I could do is just chose to BE. Most days there was full acceptance of “this is what my pregnancy is like and I welcome it all”, and others I felt a sense of overwhelming guilt and frustration over my inability to control any of it (cultural conditioning does a number on us, doesn’t it?!). Ultimately, I welcomed that also and I surrendered to the deep trust I have of the brilliance of the body to do what it knows intimately how to do –create and sustain the miracle we call life. All I have to do is breathe and get out of its way.
I did that by taking all the time, energy, resources that I needed in each moment. There were days where I did not get up from the couch, alternating between sleeping, eating, and watching Netflix. Other days I took 2 or 3 hour naps at lunch (yaii for co-workers who are understanding and incredibly supportive!). I had no capacity to read a book or intellectualize in any way. I was unable to cohesively create art of any kind. My yoga and more formal meditation were put entirely on hold. My only goal became staying well fed (thank you, dear lover of mine), well rested, and most importantly, present to the moment. Some days I found this way of living incredibly frustrating. You see, I too, just like you, am deeply conditioned to “do” and not just “be”. But pregnancy cares not for any of that. I could either chose to fight it, or I could chose to trust the process and surrender.
Ultimately, I chose to give myself the time and space to just be and allow the dance between my baby and my body to lead the way I was living life. In this way, I knew I am creating a safe space for my baby to grow, as he naturally would. I am honouring my body as the incredible vessel for creating and growing new life.
From the get-go, I carried no energetic blueprint of fear (not even for one nanosecond!) — I knew with every fiber of my being that my womb has the space and the capacity to sustain, carry, and deliver this little Soul into the physical world. We are both safe.
These last few months that I have been able to feel this little cauliflower-sized bundle of joy playfully move inside my body have been the most joyous of all, with a different set of unique (mostly physical) challenges.
My joy comes from already knowing his spunky personality, seeing him play peek-a-boo during the ultrasound, playfully showcasing to us all his body parts, and ensuring to smile for us in the final picture of the ultrasound (can you spot it?). Staying intimately connected to this child I know when he wakes, when he sleeps, when he plays… I know the foods that delight him (and certainly not foods I would choose…like giant bowls of fruit for dinner!), and the foods that make him go wild (hello, coffee!). I even felt the masculine energy growing within me and I knew this child was a boy (50-50, right?), from the very get-go.
I know these things intimately, because I chose to just breathe, pay close attention to, and trust the messages of my body and to those of my baby.
Choosing to bring a biological child into a collapsing world has been a several-year endeavor for me (I will definitely write about this, more than once!). However, ultimately, I could not ignore the call to experience motherhood in all its capacities. And given that this was a decision from the Soul, I am well-prepared to face any world that will reveal itself to us in the coming future. And, I chose abundance.
In this moment, I know that the best gift I can give my son is to provide him with the safe space to grow into the Soul that he already IS. I trust that he is born already knowing, already connected to the infinite field that he IS, and remembering that will serve him well in life. My only role as a parent is to be present to my own Signal from Self in every moment, consciously breathe, and encourage him to stay connected to the Source of what he is, and live only from that breathing space, trusting he is cherished and safe.
Life really can’t get any better than that. . . .